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Verywell Loved is a series on the dating and relationship topics people are talking about, with personal stories and expert advice to help you better understand your own experiences.
We’re constantly told, in almost every aspect of our lives, to put ourselves into boxes. Once we pick a lane or find a tribe, the solidity of our identity will supposedly make everything easier. Ambiguity begets complexity, and so we’re always striving to understand ourselves in relation to the approved blueprint of society.
Bisexuality has always been deemed a bit of a unicorn in that not everyone believes that it’s real. Unicorns might not be, but bisexuals definitely are. There has been a shift in recent years toward collective acceptance of bisexuality as a true sexual orientation, instead of a transient phase of experimentation or a pit stop on the way to gay.
Queerness is a spectrum, and more and more people are becoming comfortable with letting go of the need to be either/or as we transition into an era of both/and.
Regardless of gender, bisexual individuals face stigma and erasure, but these challenges can manifest differently for men compared to women. When women come out as bi they are often dismissed and told it’s only a phase, or they immediately become fodder for the sexual fantasy of straight couples who want a threesome.
Bisexual erasure refers to "a lack of acknowledgment and ignoring of the clear evidence that bisexuals exist."1
When men come out as bi, many people are quick to assume they are actually gay and just haven’t figured it out yet, and are somehow less masculine than they were before they shared the fact that they weren’t straight. It’s true that a ton of progress has been made—and acceptance is largely dependent on location—but sadly there’s still a sticking perception of bisexuals as indecisive, wishy-washy, and promiscuous.